Coming Home!
By Amy K. – Alumn
Home. Just the word conjures up an ache in my heart. I lived in one home my entire childhood and it was a blessed place. I was homesick in varying degrees during my entire mission in Honduras, so I was grieved to find, when I finally returned home, that my homesickness immediately switched to being homesick for my home in Honduras. What had I done?! Would I ever feel perfectly at home again? No, I wouldn’t. However, it’s an ache that is worth carrying. Through conversations with Con-solatio members, I was given the insight that this homesickness is really a longing for our ultimate home- it is really a heavensickness.
Since the time of my mom passing away and my childhood home being sold, I’ve had the feeling that I can’t return home. Those events coincided with the joy of becoming a mother and tending a home of my own. I am overjoyed to try to take the formation I learned through Con-solatio and use it to create a welcoming and “homey” home for my family and friends. However, the melancholy heavensickness is never too far away. During the holidays, it tends to rear its head in ways that even cause me to have a sinful pity party. I start whining in my head about how I take care of everyone else, but who is going to take care of me?! Then we arrived for the Con-solatio family reunion. It was not the house in the Bronx where I had my orientation, nor the house in Brooklyn where I returned in my 20s for many reunions. The house was completely new to me, and yet, I gasped as I remembered I do have a place where I can come home. I smiled to myself as I realized that God even listened to my selfish whining, and said, “here, here are the ones who will take care of you, come, be taken care of by your Con-solatio family.” We went on a rainy afternoon trip to Central Park and the Rockefeller tree and Jiale noticed my scrunched shoulders and kept offering her scarf until I finally accepted her warmth. I turned my head after breakfast to see if there was enough coffee for a second cup and Nati was already at my other shoulder asking if she could pour me more coffee. The meals were made with care and love. Our rooms were prepared with thoughtful intention. Activities were planned with each guest in mind, including my young kids. It felt like every need was anticipated before we even had time to feel the need. “Thy kingdom come…on earth as it is in heaven.”
At evening prayer one night, we sang the words, “if the Lord does not build the house, in vain do its builders labor.” Through the familiar Con-solatio rhythm of prayer, meaningful and heartfelt conversations with friends new and old, home-cooked meals that go on and on, playing games and laughing…so much laughing, and the incredible New Years Eve party, I was reminded again that truly the Lord has built this house and this family, and I have been welcomed in by grace, not by merit.
Another of the events that touched my heart this weekend, was watching my kids be loved by the friends that I love. After the first night, my son woke up each morning looking forward to seeing his new friends. My daughter, whose job it is to set the table at home, has started making and placing name cards at our places at our table now, because, intuitively, she experienced that welcoming feeling of belonging at the New Years Eve dinner and wants to pass it on. The biggest reason that has kept me away from New York for so long is the stress of traveling with children. Now I know, however, that it’s just a matter of coming home.
